Confusion
by compulsiveprocrastinator
Summary: It has been revealed that the person who is having trouble eating is Reid. Reid is suicidal, will he die or will the team save him? Anybody who wants to see a sequel for "Follow Through" please have a look at my profile for more info. Please review!
1. Chapter 1

My mind is a little confused right now, so I hope by writing this it will help me sort things out. I'm tired of hiding this. I've been having food trouble lately. It's not exactly a new thing, I've had a bit of a funny relationship with food for a few years, but it never lasted more than a few days. I didn't do it because I wanted to lose weight, I know that's what you'll be thinking it's because of and I want you to know that's not the whole truth. Of course I want to be smaller now, and I wanted to be smaller then. My body disgusts me, I want to change it, but I'm under no allusions that getting rid of fat will make me beautiful. It can't give me a head transplant, a new body, a new personality. I did this in the past because of the feeling the act itself gave me. It's hard to describe, but I'll do my best because I really want somebody to understand. At first there's just normal hunger pains, but after a little while - usually a day to a day and a half – that fades away and it leaves behind something else. It was a beautiful feeling. It makes everything around you clearer. I felt alive. Sounds, smells, voices - they were all more intense. Although I myself felt like I was floating I didn't feel like I was floating away. Instead, it was like I was so absorbed by what was going on around me and the feeling inside me that I forgot to engage fully with everything. I was still functioning, still working and talking, but people always said I was quieter in this stage and that's the best reason why that I can think of. Once that feeling fades away it leaves heaviness inside you. My bones felt sleepy, and I felt like there was this vibration inside me, like it feels when you touch your throat as you're humming. I have no idea why I felt like that, but it made me feel safe and distant so i liked that one too. And all the time I don't eat, it makes me feel pure, and clean.

I never got any further than this stage before because I still lived at home and it's hard to disguise it for any large amount of time before people get suspicious. Luckily with me being busy and going to lots of different places I could hide it from friends and family just by lying and saying I'd ate somewhere else. As I say though, you can only keep this up so long and eventually I'd have to eat again. The only people who really noticed were at work. We eat together, and being with them almost every day and all day they couldn't be fooled by these lies. But eventually I'd go back to eating and they'd see that and try and forget about it. They know about this now though. They can tell it's lasting longer, and i think they're starting to get worried. They're the only people that know.

I said above I did this in the past because of the feelings it gave me. But this time it's different. I haven't been hungry. At all. It's like my insides have switched off. And the feelings didn't come. My family went away recently and it started soon after that, when I had stopped having them in my life. If I'm honest I think that's what I was waiting for. This is the first time I've been here on my own. Even now I'm not free because of the people at work which frustrates me sometimes, but I'm more free at least.

I can't even think how it started. I didn't make a conscious decision not to eat, it just came to dinner time and I wasn't hungry so I didn't bother making anything. That was weeks ago, and I haven't ate a proper meal – or kept one inside me – since then. That's another thing that's been different since the times in the past. If I've been forced to eat, by going out for a meal with family when they flew over for the weekend or being out with work when they know I hadn't eaten that day because they've been with me all day I've thrown it up the first chance I got. It doesn't even feel bad to do. It's even a relief now, although in the past I found it unpleasant and I've only been sick when I was actually ill. Now when I have to eat, I feel disgusted, sickened, and I ask myself what am I doing? I feel weak, pathetic, disgusting, every time I put it in my mouth. And proud and relieved when I get it out of me again.

God, how pathetic. there are so many people in the world who have real issues and get on with their life healthily and show real bravery. I've always had a comfortable life, and here I am whining for no reason.

Anyway, I'll carry on. I also said above the main reason for doing this isn't for getting smaller. In the past it was for the feeling, but that's gone now. All the feelings have gone, I don't even get hungry. Well, almost all – I feel confused, because I don't know why I'm doing this, what my aim is. I wish I knew, I don't want to be like this. I want life to be uncomplicated, but now it's always on my mind. I feel disgusted by myself as well. Looking at what I've written so far it seems that I actually do have a lot of feelings at the minute and it's occurred to me that I'm wrong - it's not that I don't feel anything, it's that I don't know what I'm feeling or that too many emotions are mixed up inside me for me to understand them. In a strange way, that's comforting.

Sometimes I eat even when I don't have to, when I'm alone. I don't exactly binge, I don't eat enough for it to class as that I think, but for me it's a lot. It's not because I feel hungry, or I want it – I don't, it gives me a headache when I look in my cupboards and try to think about what to have. To be honest I feel guilty. I know the people I work with are worried about me, so I want to be normal so they can stop worrying and talking about me behind my back. I'm worried too, because I don't want my family to find out. We're not a close family; we don't talk about our feelings. It would be horrifying to have to tell them all this. But at the same time, I feel better when I don't eat. I love that I'm fastening my belt a notch tighter. I love that when I lie down in bed at night and fold my arms across my chest I feel my ribs. When I think of losing the layer on my shoulders and hips and stomach I feel happy. When I think of feeling pure and clean and empty I feel happy. I love when I'm walking and I feel tired and shaky - I know it sounds bad to be feeling that way but it makes me feel alive. Of course I can't let that go too far, it would be unimaginable if I fainted in work or something, I can't stand to think what the people who work with me would do if that happened. I already can't stand to see the way they look at me sometimes, and that would make it so much worse. I feel hot and flushed every time they ask me about food. I can lie to other people easily, but I know they know and it makes it a lot harder. So to make sure I always have energy, I drink strong black coffee with sugar and cordial and they keep me going, keep me focused. Whatever I do eat I throw back up, whether I was forced to eat it or not.

I don't know what's going on. My emotions are all messed up. It's all confusing. I don't want to tell people, I'm scared of them finding out and of what they'd do, but I'm scared of how I'm feeling. In the past I was always in control, but I don't feel in control anymore. I wish I could just be better, be healthy, but how do I get there? Do I even really want to? I don't want to damage my body; I know eventually this could even kill me but it's strange, I know that but thinking about it doesn't make me feel anything, I just know it's logical not to make yourself ill. But I hate the feeling of eating. It sickens me. I was so happy the first time I was sick. I felt like I'd found some magic answer that would let me do this but keep it hidden. Now because I've got everything mixed up in my head I can't feel that anymore. I wish everyone would leave me alone so I didn't have the guilt of hiding this from them and I could just be free. That's why I wrote this, so I could get it all out in a safe way. I don't know if it's really helped, I'm still confused, but at least I've tried. I don't know what's going to happen in the future. I don't know if I'll be able to keep it hidden. I don't know what the people at work will do. I don't know if I'll end up killing myself through this. I don't even know why I'm doing this. I just know that it makes me feel better, and I wish people would leave me in peace to do it.

What is happening to me?

Why am I doing this?

What should I do?


	2. Chapter 2

I just made myself a really nice dinner. Chilli and rice, tortilla chips with guacamole and salsa. One of my favourite meals. I ate some of it, not much, but some. I'm really trying to be good and keep it down. I don't want to be ill, I don't want people worrying about me and having heartfelt conversations with me. I don't want that hanging over me for the rest of my life. If I let this go too far and have to go to the hospital or something they'll force me to do things I don't want to do. It will all be very emotional and caring, and absolutely humiliating. And then, for the rest of my life, I will have that every time I miss a meal or say I'm not hungry. The lectures. The looks. I can't deal with that.

But I want to be sick so much. I can feel it, hot and heavy in my stomach. It would be so easy. I'm all on my own, feet away from my bathroom. All I have to do is kneel down in front of the toilet, put my toothbrush down to the back of my throat and then it's gone. I'll feel so much better – so clean, so proud, so relieved. Ten minutes and I can have all that.

I'm sitting here in my apartment, and I'm trying to figure out what to do. But I just can't decide.

What would you do?

What do you think I should do?

* * *

Gideon opened up a browser window and logged into his email. He dreaded what he would find, but mechanically clicked on his inbox anyway. He was right to be nervous. Another email. Since he had not replied to the first, of course there would be another. He hadn't even been that surprised when the first one arrived, although he had no idea how they had found him. That first email had made him cry, through grief and guilt. How could he reply though? He had closed that part of his life. He had spent his life helping people; he had a right to be selfish now. It was better to let them think they had the wrong person. He suspected they weren't sure it was him anyway, that's why they hadn't included any names - they didn't want information like this falling into the wrong hands. But Gideon could tell who it was, just through the voice in their emails.

Maybe they would give up eventually. And anyway, they had the rest of the team, they would look after them. They'd said it themselves, the team was already suspicious. They would get the help they needed off the others. This wasn't his responsibility anymore. They weren't his team anymore. They didn't need Gideon. Even though it was him they had chosen to reach out to.

Gideon quickly left the computer. He felt like a walk. He picked up a outdoors jacket, called his dog and went out of the cabin door. His eyes were bright and moist.


	3. Chapter 3

I couldn't do it. I just went and threw up everything I'd ate. My throat is dry and sore from the acid now. But I feel good. Strong. I know why – I committed. I've made a choice. I'm going to see this through. I don't know where this road will take me, but I know I can do it. This is what I need to be happy. I'll do my best to hide it, no sense in getting trouble if I can help it, so I think that means I'm going to have to do a lot more throwing up. But at the end of the day who cares if they do find out? What can they do? I'm an adult and I can do what I want. This is my body, the one thing we truly own. I should be able to do with it what I please without fear of what others will do about it or think.

I don't need help any more. I don't know where this will take me, but it feels right, even if how others react to it makes me feel bad. I'm strong enough to get through that anyway. This is my body, my life, my choice. It makes me feel good about myself. I want that. I'm not afraid of the consequences.

* * *

Again Jason Gideon sat at his computer screen and read the latest email. He found himself hoping that maybe it was just a phase and soon enough they would sway and eat something. Maybe they had a chance of getting through this on their own. But this relapse . . . Could he afford to wait and see if they did? This sounded pretty definite, and it had been almost three weeks since he had gotten the first email and there was no mention of the team getting involved . . . Why hadn't Hotch done anything? What if it really did stay hidden? He was sure they would manage to hide it if they really tried, at least for a while, and what damage would that do to their body? But he didn't want to go back to all that. He wanted peace. He had spent most of his life immersed in that life, was that really so much to ask? But could he stand by whilst they hurt themselves like this?

Maybe he wouldn't have to stay for long, just long enough to tell the team who he thought it was and then disappear again? The team would be able to take it from there.

Yes, that sounded like a good compromise. It wouldn't be easy, seeing them again. They would likely all be angry at him, but he'd do this last thing for them and be able to disappear in peace. He stood and started to pack whilst he dialled the number for a kennel for the dog.


	4. Chapter 4

I'm still not hungry. I'm meant to be going out for a meal with some people tonight, and then for a day trip with some friends tomorrow because I'm not working. Some of the people tonight will be the same as those tomorrow, I could maybe make an excuse tonight but tomorrow will be all day, they'll see I haven't had a meal all day or tonight. I'm worried, I don't want them getting suspicious, it's too soon yet. Maybe I could just say I'm ill? But the meal tonight is to commemorate an important event and I don't want to offend them. If I don't go tomorrow either they would be offended, they might think I'm trying to pull away from them – I'm not, I still want to be a part of their lives, I just wish the things we plan didn't have to involve food.

I try and imagine what would happen if they did find out. It would be humiliating, definitely, but what else? Would the first stage be gut wrenching, emotional, where they all sit me down and talk to me, trying to convince me to eat, begging and pleading and crying as time went on? Would they try to guilt me into eating by playing on our relationship? Would they look at me with those sad, pitying eyes? Why do they do that, anyway? It only sickens me more, and that only makes me not want to eat more. If, after a while of this I hadn't eaten, would they take me away? I can imagine the hospital as I type this: cold, white, aseptic walls with long, wide, empty corridors and doors that lock from the outside. Group therapy sessions, art therapy, force feeding if that didn't work. Could they force feed me? After all I am an adult; I have the legal right to decide what is best for my body. I don't need a guardian, so surely it would be a breach of my human rights? Forcing a tube inside a person's body, it's almost rape.

And if they did succeed? I would get those looks, those lectures every time I didn't finish a meal or said I wasn't hungry until the god damn end of time.

No, I refuse to be told what to do with my own body. They will not be able to force me to do anything, not through begging or pleading or shoving a tube inside me. I refuse to be put through that.

So, it seems if the truth does come out, my only choice would be to disappear.

* * *

Jason Gideon did not see this latest email, because he was not sat looking at his computer. In fact it was safely zipped in a carry case on the passenger seat next to him as he sped along in the modest car he had bought to avoid being traced once he left the BAU, the place he was now fighting to get to. He had brought it along as evidence for the rest of the team, so they could read the emails themselves.

Sat in the front seat of his little car, his thoughts were not pointed towards finding a safe way to reveal this person's secret, because he did not know the decision they had come to.

He did not realise that every second closer he got to the BAU was another second closer to forcing the sender of those emails to make a terrible choice - in their eyes, the only choice.

No, his thoughts were purely focused on how to help the sender of those emails, help they would never let themselves be given.

* * *

He walked into the bullpen in what seemed a dream. It was all so familiar, and yet so distant. No, he needed to focus. They all stopped and stared, all the agents in the pit, but it was only his old team mates who approached him. He barely acknowledged them and headed straight for Hotch's door. In the back of his mind he registered that the reactions of his former team mates had been what he was expecting - Morgan was hostile, Garcia and JJ looked shocked but pleased - but that was only a minor concern as he knocked on the door and walked straight in. Hotch was on the phone but put it down with barely a word as Gideon shut the door.

"Hotch, we need to talk about Reid".

**Ta-da! Well done to those people who were on the right tracks :). Wondering what Reid will do now? Keep reading and find out! Next chapter will be up ASAP. As always please R&R.**


	5. Chapter 5

How could you do this to me? I trusted you. I knew you'd know it was me, but I never asked you to come here. Why did you think I didn't find you? I was just asking for advice, I know you knew that. So why, after everything I'd said about not wanting to be found out, would you do this?

I was doing fine. This was my life and you took it from me. You were the only person who truly understood, I told you everything, and you betrayed me.

I told you I'd disappear – well guess what? I'm gone.

* * *

"How did he know you were here? He wasn't here when you arrived."

"Where did he say he was going?"

"Home, he came back from the bathroom and said he wasn't feeling well a little after Gideon went into your office."

Gideon thought for a second and then started striding along to the corridor that led to the male bathroom. He stopped at a window and looked down onto the street below.

"He saw me."

"How do you know?"

"I walked along here to get into the building; I'd stopped to buy him a coffee and a bagel so I didn't take the usual entrance. He knew what I was here for."

"Now hold on just one second." Morgan and the other agents had been listening to the other agents, hardly able to believe what Hotch had thrown at them as they came rushing down into the bullpen from Hotch's office, searching frantically.

"Now just hold on, how do we even know what he's saying is true? We're his friends, we wouldn't let him slip this far. He's been a bit shook up, but he's always gotten over it. This guy abandons Reid, abandons all of us, and thinks he can just walk back in here and start accusing Reid of this stuff?"

"Morgan, we don't have time for this -"

"No, Hotch, it's alright." Gideon stepped forward, hands raised as he spoke in his distinctive manner. "Reid has been sending me emails for the past few weeks, explaining everything. I don't know how he found me. They never said they were from him but, even though he tried to decieve me by using different vocal patterns, I knew it was him. It wasn't just the content of his emails that worried me, it was his tone. Spencer has always been, at heart, an optimistic person. The tone of these was different. The mood is so low, and so warped from what I knew him to be, that worried me more than anything else in those emails. I was on my laptop showing Hotch the first emails when we found the two new ones. When we read them, we knew what must have happened even if we didn't know how. That was when we came out here. You can read them if you want."

"You believe this, Hotch?" Morgan looked to him, still hostile.

"I don't want to, but I think Gideon's right. Whatever the case we need to find Reid before he gets himself in any worse a situation. For now there are no cases, we're focusing only on finding Reid. Get this laptop to Garcia; see if she can trace the origin of all the emails, starting with the last one."

"Gideon was only in your office a few minutes; he won't have had much of a head start, unless he has mobile broadband he would have had to use one of the local internet cafes to send that last email." Prentiss interjected, all business.

"Prentiss is right. Morgan, get Garcia to compile a list of internet cafes in a two-mile radius, you and Prentiss go and find out if Reid was in any of them recently. Rossi, you and JJ go and keep a look out at the train station. Gideon and I will go check his apartment. Move quickly, I want him found before this gets out of control."

* * *

"Do you think we'll find him?" JJ looked across at Rossi as he drove them faster than was recommended to the station.

"Of course we will kiddo. We know him, we'll figure it out."

"Do we know him, though? We knew he was struggling, but none of us had any idea it was like what Gideon is saying . . ."

"When people want to hide things, they'll do it, even from profilers. Especially someone as smart as Reid. We're going to get him the help he needs."

"But what if he won't let us? I mean, did you ever think Reid would do something like this?"

"People can do all sorts of things when they're stressed. He's angry, and he's scared. When he calms down, he'll be thinking more clearly and we'll be able to get through to him."

"I hope you're right."

They had reached the station, JJ climbed out and hurried into the station whilst Rossi found somewhere to put the conspicuous black SUV.

* * *

Hotch banged on the door of Reid's apartment and shouted through the door.

"Reid! Open up! It's Hotch and Gideon! We just want to talk!"

Nothing.

"Come on, Reid! Let us help you!"

They exchanged a glance. Gideon nodded and Hotch put the key they had borrowed off the building supervisor in the lock.

"Reid? We're coming in now."

They opened the door and headed inside. It was easy to tell Reid had been here before them. The usually neat apartment was a mess; the bedroom had clothes on the floor he had flung aside when choosing what to pack. The front door led straight into the living room and things had been knocked over as he hurried to make it out the door.

"He's running" Hotch said as Gideon gazed around silently. "I'm going to tell the team." Gideon just nodded. He walked from room to room, stopping at the kitchen. As he'd expected, there was nothing fresh in refrigerator, no washing up in the sink or on the drainer. The only food left in the cupboards was imperishable.

Hotch came back from talking on the phone. "We have to figure out where he'd go. His mother?"

"No, too obvious. Reid's smarter than that. We can't just watch the train station; Garcia needs to trace his card for any rental car transactions, cash withdrawals or for buying airline tickets. We need to watch the bus station too."

"That's all very obvious, Reid would have thought of that."

"I know, he may try to send us on a false trail. Either way, we still have to watch for it."

"He may have been planning for this; he could already have an escape planned, under an alias or some other untraceable means. If that's the case we may not find him"

"Reid's smart, if he doesn't want to be found we probably won't find him. He may still try to stay in touch with me through email though."

"Emails can be traced; he'd have to find a way to cover his tracks."

"Which I'm sure he'll manage to do once he finds a computer hardware store."

"Our best chance would be to convince him to come home through replying to him then."

Gideon nodded, gazing out of the window. He hadn't looked at Hotch the whole time they'd been talking.

"This wasn't your fault, Jason. You had to tell us. He'll do serious harm to himself if he doesn't stop. He needs help."

"I know I was right to come here."

"But you feel like if you hadn't have left this wouldn't have happened?" Gideon didn't say anything. "I can't say whether that's true or not, but what's done is done. If you want to help Reid now you need to focus and help us find him."

Gideon paused. Hadn't he said that he'd only stay long enough to tell them what was happening? Then he'd leave, and go back to his safe little cabin? But Spencer was in trouble, could he just leave him? Gideon sighed. He knew he had to stay, no matter how much he didn't want to come back into this world. He may have lived in it for a long time, but that didn't give him the right to abandon the people who needed him now. He turned around.

"What did the team find out?"

"Prentiss and Morgan spoke to the owner of a coffee shop round the corner from the federal building who remembers Reid. He said Reid was agitated, only stayed long enough to log on, type something very quickly, and leave. It was just after you arrived."

"Well the amount of time it would take to get here, pack and leave means we must have only just missed him."

"I'll alert Garcia to watch any activity on Reid's cards and put out an APB on his card. JJ and Rossi are at the train station, they haven't seen him but he could still arrive there. I'll send Morgan and Prentiss to the bus station."

"Good. Have Garcia give the home Reid's mother is in a call and ask them to let us know if they see Reid there."

"We can start searching here more thoroughly and see if we can find any information that would tell us where he would go."

* * *

"Got it." Morgan put the phone down and looked across at Emily. "Hotch just phoned. He said he and Gideon are at Reid's apartment, he said it's a mess and that there's signs he was packing but no Reid. They think he's running."

"He doesn't want to be confronted about what he's doing." Prentiss sighed.

"We never knew" Morgan said softly.

"We couldn't know, Reid never said."

"No, it's because we didn't want to know, we didn't give him the time or the attention he needed to talk to us. . . He would rather track Gideon down, wherever the hell he's been and send him god damn anonymous emails than talk to us? He feels that distant from us? We're meant to be a team, but we weren't there for him. He needed help, and even though he saw us every single day, he felt like he had no one to talk to." Morgan's voice was angry, but his eyes shone. He shook his head and looked away.

"Reid didn't ask for help. If he had we would have given it. At least now he is reaching out to someone, it shows he does want help. When he admits that to us, we'll be able to help him."

"God damn it, Emily! He shouldn't have needed to ask! We should have known. We all saw him those days he didn't eat, we may have said a little something, but we never really talked to him about it. We should have known it was leading up to this. What if he does real harm to himself by doing this?"

"Whether we were wrong before or not, we're here for him now. We need to find him, and help him through this. Now what did Hotch say we should do?"

"That we should go to the bus station and watch for him there."

"Let's go."

As they both went and climbed in the SUV, Morgan's phone chirped on his hip.

"Hey baby girl, what you got for me?"

"Hello my fine, furry friends. What I have got is nothing. No flight tickets purchased in Reid's name, no ATM withdrawals, and no car rentals, no activity at all in Reid's accounts since he used his card yesterday to buy a buy a few books in his local store. His car was found in the garage he usually keeps it in, it seems like he dropped it off just after he left his apartment, which was about 20 minutes ago. I've already checked surveillance footage. There is none for the garage itself. There was one camera across the street that just caught a glimpse of him heading left out of the garage but I lose him after that. Whatever wonder boy's doing, so far he's living up to the title."

"Alright thanks baby girl. Could you keep digging for me? Try and find out if he has any bank accounts or assets he could be using that we don't know about. He's not going to get far with no cash or car."

"You want me to pry into Reid's life?"

"I know, I don't like it either, but we need to help him."

"Fine, if it really is to help him I'll do it, but I'm not happy about it. Peace out."

* * *

"Alright, thank you, keep looking." Hotch turned to Gideon. "The team hasn't found him at the train station or bus station. Garcia didn't find any activity on his card either, including ATM withdrawals, but when Morgan asked her to look more closely she found a local savings account listed in Diana Reid's name for Spencer. He hadn't withdrawn anything from it until today. Garcia found footage of Reid at a bank in DC, he emptied the account. There was $6000 in it. She tried to trace him through cameras on the street but he disapears from view down the street from the bank."

"$6000 could keep him going for a long time if he was frugal. How did he get from the garage in Quantico to the bank in DC?"

"Garcia didn't find any records; the best guess would be a cab."

Gideon nodded, more to himself than Hotch. He looked around himself slowly, surveying the mess of Reid's apartment. "So far all we've found here is that he wasn't eating - which we already knew, that he spent alot of time here which we can tell from the amount of books that show signs of being read and that he didn't have many people close to him which we can tell from the lack of photos or personal memorabilia. There's no laptop, no invoices, no maps, no train or subway tickets. Nothing that could tell us where he might have gone."

"If we can't find anything here that can help us find him we'll just have to build a profile on him from what we already know about him."

Gideon nodded to himself again, turning to the window. "Yes, you're definitely right about that." He gazed out at the view, deep in thought, his brow furrowed.

Hotch watched his old friend carefully, with a furrowed brow he said to Gideon's back "It's late Jason; we should find you somewhere to stay. Do you want to stay with one of us or would you like a hotel room?"

"You're right. It is late. I'll find a hotel room and see you tomorrow morning."

"Do you want me to drive you?"

"No, I'll take a cab."

"It's cheaper for me to drive you."

"It's alright, Aaron."

Hotch sighed. "What's going on, Jason?"

"What do you mean?"

"You thought of something a minute ago, something you're trying to hide from me, what is it?"

Gideon looked at him briefly, but then looked away. "I can't tell you."

"Why not? Does it have something to do with where Reid is? Have you figured out where he could be?"

"No, I just had an idea, but if I tell you and I'm right it could all go wrong."

"Why, Jason? Why would it go wrong?"

Gideon turned around to glare at Hotch. "Because if you find him, he'll run. He's not ready to face you and the team yet, that's why he reached out to me. If I know where he is and i tell you you'll have to try and find him. Our best chance for him to come in voluntarily is if I do it."

"You know I can't let hide the whereabouts of one of my agents from me. You need to tell me where he is Jason."

"I don't know where he is for definite, so I'm not hiding anything from you. But I'll make you a deal. Give me tonight alone. If I'm right I have a chance of bringing him in. If I'm wrong then I'll tell you what I know tomorrow morning and we can do it with the team."

Hotch stared at him for a few moments. "Alright, I'll give you tonight, but if you don't have him by tomorrow morning you have to tell us everything."

Gideon nodded. "You know if we have to use the full team to bring him in he'll fight."

"Hopefully he won't force us to do things that way." Hotch said a little less sternly.

"I'll call you in the morning to tell you what's happened, whatever that may be."

* * *

I feel ill. Not just physically, not just sick in my stomach. I feel ill in my head. It aches. I feel like the world is whirling around inside me. I can't think, the emotions inside me are so messy and confused. I just want to curl up and sleep. Maybe when I wake up I'll get back on my feet. I can't believe what I'm doing. It seems like the world has turned upside down, but i have this horrible feeling pulling at me that it's me that's upside down. This festering, rotten creature has crawled inside me and is feeding on my mind, gnawing on my sense and pride and excreting misery and confusion which pools inside me. I want to tear a hole in my mind and drain it out but I can't find the edges. I feel it pulse painfully at the edges of my skull but it never spreads far enough outside my head for me to grab it before it snaps back behind the safety of the bone. I sit here alone in the dark little hole that grew inside me without me even realising until I'd tripped and fallen in it and I wish more than anything to claw my way out and emerge back into the world I used to know. The world where I was happy and healthy and loved. The world that disappeared and left behind only a memory - like the smoke in the air after a hail of fireworks. But how can you escape something that you can't touch, can't hold in your hand, can only feel in your heart?

I don't want to be alone like this.

* * *

Reid stood up slowly, his knees cracking he'd been still for so long. Outside the dirty window of the down market motel that almost always took cash payments the moon shone bright as the neon signs beneath it. Reid didn't see the stars though, the prostitutes, the drug addicts. Fear made his lips numb, his fingers cold, he legs weak. His feet took him along the streets to his destination whilst his mind screamed. He had no idea why he was doing this. He felt like he was walking to his doom. And yet he had to go. He would rather be doomed with company, than alone in the whirlwind he lived in. He knew where he was going, he'd found it hours earlier by following a rented sedan with a single occupier.

Hands shaking, he knocked on the door in front of him. As he heard footsteps approach, panic overtook him and he quickly turned and had almost broken into a run when a single word froze him where he stood:

"Reid."

**Really hope you liked it, I tried to make it good. Please R&R.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hello everybody, thank you to all those people that have reviewed. I would just like to explain a few things. I have noticed that there are some problems with continuity in my first chapter that do not correspond with Reid's life eg. the references to not having family around, living a comfortable life and leaving home. These are there because at this point in the story I had a few ideas for the story and wanted to lay the groundwork for all of them. Hope this hasn't caused any confusion. Also I'm sorry for taking a bit longer to upload this time, I had a few ideas of where to take the story from here and was toying around with different versions. I've now decided how the story is going to end. I considered posting chapters relating to each eventuality like I did in "Follow Through" and leave it up to you to tell me which one you liked and wanted to see continued but I decided against it and I'm just going to do what I want with the story. It may mean you don't like me very much (sorry) and it won't be as long as I originally intended it to be but ah well. As always, please review. **

Slowly, Reid turns back and looks. He doesn't want to, but there is still enough loyalty buried inside him to make him do it. As he sets eyes on the man he had trusted with so much, yet not seen in so long, he battles a wave of emotion. Nostalgia. Pain. Longing. Shame. Anger. Grief. They all battle to take control, and it makes it almost impossible for him to concentrate on the man in front of him. He just wants to run, to escape this mass of feeling inside him, and the sad eyes that hold him transfixed.

Gideon opens the door to his motel room wider. "Come on in, son."

The words snap Reid out of his reverie. He's concentrating now, the whirlwind inside him drowned out for a moment, but it holds him to the ground on shaking legs.

Gideon can see the fear and confusion on Reid's face. Slowly he takes a step forward, and then another. He stops only when he's barely a foot away from the terrified young man shaking in front of him. "You don't need to be afraid, Spencer. I'm not angry. I'm not going to lock you away. I'm not going to make you do anything you don't want to. Now why don't we go inside and sit down? We can have a coffee, and talk."

"Gideon. . . I'm so sorry. I don't know what to think any more, everything's messed up inside me . . . The team - they should be on a case right now, not looking for me. What would they say, if they saw me now?"

"They'd want to help you. Shhh, it's alright. It's alright. You're going to be OK. Let's go inside." He puts an arm around Spencer's shoulders and guides the young man into the room as he begins to sob. The room is decent, with a double bed that looks quite comfortable, a TV stand with a TV and two chairs either side of a coffee table in the corner. Gideon guides Spencer towards one of the chairs before going to the coffee maker on the TV stand. Reid slowly calms down as he makes them both a cup. He sets Reid's down beside him but he doesn't touch it.

They sit in silence for a minute, Jason giving the young man beside him a little time to relax. Finally, he broke the silence.

"Thank you for contacting me Reid, it was the right thing to do."

The young man swallows and glances quickly up at Gideon. He doesn't speak.

"In your emails, you told me you didn't know why you're having difficulty eating. Can you really give me no idea why you are doing this?"

Spencer clears his throat and looks up at Gideon. Quietly, he speaks. "No, I have no idea. I just know that, even now, it makes me feel better."

"Describe better."

"I don't know - clean, strong."

"But you said in your emails that you don't feel in control anymore. That feeling like this scares you."

"It doesn't scare me because I don't want to be doing it. It scares me because it makes it harder to hide. Not that that matters anymore." He flashes a resentful look at Gideon.

"I am sorry that I exposed you Reid, but I think inside you know I did the right thing. You're hurting yourself. You need help."

"If you had replied to my emails I would have had help, without the humiliation of everyone knowing about it." He looked up into Gideon's eyes, his voice a little stronger.

"The kind of help you need can't be given through email, Spencer." Gideon kept his voice calm. "And you were the one who drew attention to yourself by leaving. If you had stayed to talk to me instead of running away you would have known I was only going to tell Hotch."

"Don't you try and pin this on me!" Reid's voice had grown loud and strong, his mood swinging. He leant forward in his chair and glared at Gideon. "You're the one who betrayed me! You knew what I was telling you was confidential! How could you expose me like that?"

"I've already explained that I did what was in your best interests, Spencer. If you refuse to accept that, that's up to you. What matters now is what we're going to do about this now, so sit back, calm down, and let's talk about this."

Reid was breathing heavily, running his hands through his hair and looking away from Gideon. Yes, he was angry. So angry. He wanted to make Gideon pay for what he had done, he wanted him to feel pain. But the rational part of him shouted against those feelings, deep inside he knew Gideon was only a surrogate for the real fixation of his emotions. God, what had happened to him? He was struck, in that moment, by just how much he had changed. Where had the rational, awkward but loveable Dr. Reid gone? When had he turned into this? He wanted to run from this situation, to leave this anger and pain behind him. But he didn't want to be alone either. This had been building up inside him for so long, and now that he was finally aware of it he didn't want to be left alone with it. And there was that small voice that whispered in his ear that it wouldn't matter how far he ran, he would never leave the things inside behind him.

It was all too much.

"God!" He leant forward and gripped his forehead, trying to contain it all. He was filled with sudden energy and sprang up and started pacing back and forth in front of Gideon. He would turn towards him with rage in his eyes but would pull them away again, pain creasing his features. And Jason Gideon looked on with sadness.

All this had taken just a couple of seconds. Slowly, Gideon stood. As he watched the young man in front of him it struck him just how much weight the man had really lost. The sweatshirt he was wearing was baggy and concealed his frame but the sleeves fell down and revealed bony, weak wrists as he put his hands to his forehead. The cheekbones beneath his sunken eyes looked so sharp that they might cut through his translucent, waxy skin.

"Spencer, look at me." Reid didn't stop his frantic pacing but his eyes shot Gideon's. "I know you are going through a very difficult time here, and the problems you are having probably go much deeper than not wanting to eat. Please, let us help you. Together, we can figure out what has caused all this, we can get you healthy again." Gideon spoke with his hands raised and eyes shining, almost reaching out to touch Spencer's shoulder.

Reid stropped pacing dead in front of Gideon and spun to look at him.

"Us?"

"Yes, the team and I. They need to be involved Spencer."

"No!" Reid waved his arms in front of him in a wide motion. "How could you think of involving them? I can't talk to them about this –"

"Please, they're your friends, now let's sit down and talk –"

"No, no, I'm done talking. This was a mistake." Reid began to stride towards the door, but Gideon spun him around and grabbed both of his arms.

"Spencer, stop. You can't keep running away like this. Tell me what's happening!"

"I can't!" Reid struggled to push Gideon away. God, he was tired. Exhaustion just crashed down on him. He'd been riding a wave of adrenaline, but it had suddenly dried up and he felt so weak he was surprised he was standing.

"Just leave me alone!" he started to sob, and spun around to hide it. Yanking the door open, he glanced back over his shoulder. "I don't deserve this help Gideon, all this energy. Believe me."

Gideon paused, momentarily lost for words. He sighed.

"Spencer, nothing in the world could make me love you less."

Reid burst into tears; they ran off the edge of his chin falling with faint noises to the carpet below.

"Please, come with me. We can help you. You don't have to feel like this anymore Spencer. You don't have to keep hurting yourself. You don't have to be ashamed. You've been denying the reason you're doing this to yourself for so long, think what a relief it will be to let it go. You can be happy, and healthy."

Reid's shoulders shook as he sobbed; he slowly looked up at Gideon, the indecision in his heart plain to see. But then he looked away and shook his head.

"I'm sorry."

"Spencer! Please!" Gideon tried to grab hold of his arm, but Reid used some previously unknown reserve of energy to wrench himself free and launched himself out of the door. Gideon chased him onto the main street but desperation spurred Spencer on and he managed to jump on a bus just as it was pulling away and disappeared.

* * *

Gideon had phoned Hotch and told him what had happened, who had had Garcia trace the bus route. Hotch had picked Gideon up on his way to finding the bus and they tracked it down only a couple of stops later. But by then Reid had jumped off. The driver told them where but when they went back to the area they found no trace of him.

Gideon seethed, furious with himself for having been so close and having lost him again. Although he didn't say anything, Hotch knew what he was thinking.

"You can't blame yourself, Jason. Yes, you could have locked him in that room with you or something like that but it wouldn't have done him any good. I was wrong before, he needs to come in willingly or he won't let us help him. Garcia is checking security camera footage. There are a lot of cameras in that area; she'll know where he went by the morning. Did he give you any sort of clue as to what specifically made him think he doesn't deserve help?"

Gideon shook his head silently.

"I was close, I started to get through to him." Hotch sighed.

"Then the best thing we can do is go to bed. We need to be well rested to be able to find him."


	7. Chapter 7

**Just to clear up any confusion from the last chapter, when I spoke about Reid following a rented car I was hinting that he had been watching Gideon and followed him to his hotel. Gideon knew Reid would find him because he knows Reid. Hope that's sorted out any issues. Thank you to those people who have already reviewed. People who haven't, please do.**

**General disclaimer to cover all preceding chapters: I do not own anything related to Criminal minds and this is all done without profit.**

I stop running. I am shaking all over. Running the distances I have when you can't remember when you last ate isn't the healthiest thing in the world. The hunger is really taking its toll, but it doesn't bother me, just as long as I have enough strength to do what is necessary. I'm no longer worried about why I don't eat. I know why I'm doing it, know why it feels right. Know why I was never afraid of hurting my body but always terrified of getting help. I realised why as I looked into Jason Gideon's eyes and wondered why I felt like it was so wrong for another person to love me.

A cab is passing and I flag it down, my plan fully formed.

"I need to stop at a store where I can buy a pen and paper. Wait outside."

The cabbie, a white guy who looks like he can handle himself, is surprised at how I look, but when he asks I say I'm fine.

At the store the cabbie takes me to I just about manage to buy a pack of pens, some paper and some envelopes and then stagger back to the taxi. The cabbie is about to give me grief about going to the hospital but I cut him off and give him the address of Gideon's cabin. It felt right for it to be there.

"Get me there and I'll give you $1000."

The cabbie doesn't believe I'm serious, "You sure you got that?"

I close my eyes. I'm so tired. All I want to do is lie down and sleep. I barely have the strength to dig in my pocket but I manage to throw a wad of notes at him.

"Get me a really strong coffee as well, with lots of sugar."

The cabbie's eyes are huge; he greedily snatches up the money.

"You got it, boss." The cab squeals off. Whilst I sit in the back I compose my letter with shaking hands. I make sure to write slowly and carefully, I want it to be readable.

The cabbie drops me off at Gideon's abandoned cabin; he even forces the door for me when I tell him I don't have a key. The guy's so happy he'd probably do pretty much anything I asked him to_. At least I get to leave behind one happy person._

I feel stronger after the coffee, ready to do what has to be done. I take one last look at my words and then I leave the letter propped up on a little coffee table.

As I make the preparations for what I am about to do, I'm not afraid. I feel peaceful.

* * *

It's strange – we've come full circle. Last time it was you leaving me a letter, now it's the other way round. I know why I'm doing this now, Gideon. When I saw the love in your eyes in that hotel room, I felt such revulsion. I am not worthy of such pure feelings. I can't say why, even now, but that doesn't matter. I want you to know I am truly sorry, I know this will hurt you. I wish it wouldn't. This isn't your fault, you did everything right. But this world is better off without me. I am doing the right thing, I know that now. That's what my body has been trying to tell me. I love you like a father. It has been an honour and a privilege to know you. I will always appreciate the kindness you showed me.

Morgan, you were like the brother I never had. Thank you for always being there. Don't blame yourself. I'm sorry.

To the rest of the team – I was never happier than when I worked with you. I respected you all more than any other people I have ever known. I loved you like you were my family. Thank you. I am so sorry to hurt you, please move on and forget about me.

Tell my mother I'm sorry and I loved her.

**Don't worry, this isn't the complete end. At the very least you will find out what gave Reid such a low opinion of himself. I haven't decided what else is going to happen though. As always, please review.**


	8. Chapter 8

Suicide is a terrible thing. They tell me that every second, without ever saying the words. It seeps out of their pores, pours out of their eyes in invisible rivers that flow through their body and slow down every touch, making every movement hesitant and fearful. The rivers pool on the floor around them and I feel the invisible tide rising ever higher as I lie tied to this nondescript bed, unable to raise my head up high enough to keep it above their sympathy.

Of course they would figure my little plans out, clever boys and girls. They think they help, they think tubes into my body are good for me and if they swamp me with enough doctors they can fix me. And I'm the deluded one, am I? Can't they see the truth in front of them? I'm not supposed to be here; anyone with clear eyes could look at me and see that. But they are blinded by their selfishness. They try and keep me tied here, when all I need is to be set free.

Gideon is the hardest to deal with. He looks down at me with those kind, sad, fatherly eyes and it makes my skin crawl and eyes sting. Why would they want to put me through this? They fatten my body like I knew they would. They rape me with their feeds. Can't they understand I don't care if I get ill? I don't care if my teeth rot, my hair falls out, my heart breaks, my organs fail. I know the consequences of what I do. I'm not afraid.

I'm angry at them, of course, how could I not be? But I understand their intentions are pure. They are borne out of love, a love that is undeserved. Gideon asks me why, and I can't tell him. I don't know why, and I don't even care anymore. But Gideon cares. He asks over and again, trying to pry into my past and find some sort of trigger. I've told him not to bother, it's all irrelevant.

I just want them to leave me alone. They took away my peace. They dragged me back into this nightmare. I'm a ghost, my time was already up, and it's unnatural for me to be here now. My body tells me that. Why would I feel so disgusted and panicked at the thought of what that tube is doing if it weren't wrong? It's like they're pouring cement into that hole that grew in my soul, and they don't know I'm still inside it. How will I ever be able to dig myself out with them still pumping this filth inside me? I'll never feel better if they keep making me dirty, but I can't clean it out of myself. I'm tied down, I can't even be sick.

Just let me disappear.

* * *

"Please Spencer, talk to me. You're unhappy, if you tell us what's going on we can help you get better."

"No, Gideon. There's no reason for me to tell you. No stressor. I've just finally realised the truth."

"What truth?"

"I don't deserve to be here." The words were barely a whisper, but they echoed around the small still room. "All my life I've felt wrong. I tried to deny it. But I couldn't run from it anymore Gideon, I'm sorry. I have to do what's right." Reid looked to the wall opposite the broken man beside him. He couldn't roll over because of the straps to stop him hurting himself more, so he had to settle for not looking at people. It hid the tear slowly rolling down his cheek.

"But Spencer, think of all the good you've done,, all the lives you've helped. You're a good person." Gideon's voice sounded desperate, it sent a wave of cold over Reid to hear it.

"No, Gideon. I'm sorry. What I do doesn't change what I am. I'd like some time on my own now please. Tell the rest of the team I don't want to see them."

"Alright, Spencer." Gideon got up quietly, his sad eyes sweeping over the young man in front of him. Reid was doing his best to avoid eye contact, despite the bindings on his wrists. Bandages were wrapped tightly around his wrists. Gideon's cabin would still stink of his blood. Reid had pressed himself down into the mattress, facing away from him. He didn't respond when Gideon put his hand on his shoulder, so Gideon sighed and left the hospital room.

Hotch had been listening to the conversation through the microphone Gideon was wearing.

"What do you think?" Hotch's voice was serious. He was sat in an adjacent room to Reid and addressed Jason when he entered and sat down. They were alone; he had sent the rest of the team to get a drink.

"We need to find out what happened to make him feel this way. There must have been some sort of stressor. Spencer has always had low self-esteem, but it's never been anywhere near this level of self-loathing."

"We're lucky we found him in time." Gideon just nodded silently. Hotch sighed. "You saved his life Jason. If you hadn't realised he would go to your cabin we wouldn't have been there in time."

"I know Aaron." He said it simply. Hotch decided not to press him further, and they sat in silence for a few moments.

Jason sat up, attracting Hotch's attention. "Well, the eating disorder is definitely self-punishment."

"We need to figure out why he's punishing himself though. He was talking about feeling worthless, we need to look into his life and find anything that could have happened in his life to trigger this. He started losing weight about 6 months ago; I'll get Garcia to see if she can find any records for that time that could help us." Gideon just nodded again. Hotch got up to leave the room, but turned back as he got to the door. "Jason, we got him back. We can help him now; we can get him to see a doctor. He'll be alright." Hotch left Gideon looking out of the door after him, before he pulled Spencer's letter out of his pocket and began to read it again.

* * *

"Ok, thanks Garcia." Hotch put the phone down and turned to the rest of the team who sat waiting to hear the news. "He's stable; His doctor said that he'll be physically ready to leave in a few days, but that it's best to have him transferred to a psychiatric care hospital."

They all glanced down or away from each other at the words. It was hard to accept and they were quiet for a minute.

"So what'd he say to Gideon?" Morgan was sat with his palms together, bent forward on his knees. His eyes shone, and his voice was sad.

"He feels worthless. We need to find out why if we're going to help him. Garcia has taken some leave so she can help us look. I've also granted everyone on the team a few days leave out of your holiday time; I hope that's alright with all of you."

"Of course." Prentiss answered for everyone

"Can we see him?" JJ asked quietly. Her eyes were red from tears but her voice was steady.

"He's asked to be left alone for now."

"Come on, Hotch, man, he needs us." Morgan had stood up, his face pained.

"No, we need to respect his wishes. He's had so many doctors with him the past few hours, he deserves some peace."

"Morgan, he's right. We all want to see him, but he needs some space." Rossi spoke up for the first time from where he sat in the corner.

"We should all go and get some rest, Garcia is researching from her home, she'll call when she has something."

"Do we have any idea what she might find?" Rossi asked from the corner.

"No, not yet." Hotch left the waiting room and they filed after him reluctantly.


	9. Chapter 9

They came for me today. I screamed, I couldn't help it, I begged them not to take me away. Gideon was there, but when I screamed to him for help, he didn't stop them; he just shushed me as I cried. He let them stick the needles in me. He let me be loaded up and shipped off to this place without one word against them. Now I'm on another bed, in another little room. I guess I've followed in my mother's footsteps at last.

At least they gave me a few hours on my own at the other hospital. They gave me all night, and then came for me early in the morning. A doctor greeted me when I woke up in this new room. He was trying to be my friend. His smile was big and wide and fake. He said he was glad to meet me. I didn't say the same to him. I just told him I wanted to leave. He started going on to himself, I got bored so I remembered some books my mother read me a long time ago and it made me feel better. After a while he shut up. Orderlies came in and held me still as more needles stuck me. Then they took the restraints off. I didn't like that doctor.

Why didn't Gideon warn me he was going to do this earlier? The first time he spoke to me about it was when he brought the men from here in. I want to cry when I think of it, but I can't. I know I'm angry at Gideon, but I can't feel the emotion. The medicine holds it all in. I'm suffocating on the inside. This is hell. Why would anyone think this is better than nothing?

* * *

Hotch and Gideon had told the team Reid was going to the psychiatric facility that morning because they and the doctors they felt it was best to get his recovery underway as soon as possible. The team had reacted as they expected. Most of them had been sad, but resigned to the fact it was necessary. They were all angry at themselves for not seeing this sooner, but none more so than Morgan. He had shouted at Hotch that they shouldn't be sending Reid away, that they should be helping him, but it hadn't mattered. The decision was made. They all agreed that it was best if just Gideon told him. If they all went Reid would feel humiliated and overwhelmed.

It didn't matter how much they rationalised it to themselves though, the drive to Garcia's apartment was made in heavy silence.

Garcia opened the door to them and they filed in. Her eyes were red. Hotch had told her over the phone. He now asked them all to pause after they'd greeted Garcia.

"Now, I know we're all emotional right now but we can't afford to be distracted. Reid needs our help. Garcia, what have you found?"

"I looked into Reid's and his Mum's records for the last 8 months in case it took a while for us to notice anything was wrong -" They all looked uncomfortable and Garcia hurried on " - and I didn't find anything that would point towards a stressor. It doesn't look like Reid's been having any personal difficulties that got recorded. If you could give me a better idea for what I'm looking for I might be able to find more."

"Reid said he felt worthless, what common stressors cause this type of thinking?" Hotch pitched the question to the rest of the team.

"Well, drug addicts can start to believe ideas like that, is it possible Reid has been using?" Everyone winced at the suggestion, including Prentiss who was the one who said it.

"No, the doctor's found no evidence of drug use." Gideon waved the suggestion aside.

Morgan sat up and addressed them all. "Reid's mother is schizophrenic, is it possible Reid has inherited the condition and voices are telling him to do this?"

"It could be, I haven't noticed any signs of it though. Has anyone else?" Rossi sounded doubtful.

"Is it possible Reid was assaulted?" JJ sounded hesitant to say it.

"It's possible." Gideon's voice was low, it suggested he'd already considered this possibility.

"Alright, I'll check police and hospital records for men matching Reid's age and description which were filed anonymously or with false details as well as any recorded instances of men who refused treatment in Quantico and the surrounding cities." They all waited a few moments as Garcia tapped away without looking at the keyboard.

"26."

"Include only the ones where the details were recorded by word, Reid wouldn't want his photograph taken."

"9"

"Print out the details, we can go through the reports by hand."

* * *

"This guy doesn't sound like he could be Reid, it says he was aggressive towards the nurse and the injuries sound like they were sustained in a bar fight." JJ looked around as they all crammed around Garcia's coffee table. "Anyone got anything that sounds likely?"

"I've got one" Everyone looked to Rossi. "It says in the report this man looked like he was beaten. He brought himself to the hospital but disappeared whilst he was waiting for a doctor. Staff looked for him but never found him."

"It could be. Someone should go to the hospital and show the attending nurse pictures of Reid to see if he's recognised."

"I'll go with Rossi," Prentiss volunteered.

"Good. Anything else?" Hotch looked round at them all.

"Yeah, I got one." Morgan carried on "A guy matching Reid's description was found beaten and probably raped in an alleyway and taken to a hospital but also disappeared when he woke up. He hadn't been properly examined, but the report doesn't list any facial injuries, it could be how we didn't see it."

"If Spence was dealing with that on his own. . ." JJ looked down at the table.

"Morgan and I will go and visit the hospital. Gideon?"

"I'm going to go and pay a visit to Reid in the hospital."

"Tell him we love him and we want him to get better!" Garcia shouted as he strode for the door.

JJ told Hotch "I'm going to stay here with Garcia, see if there's anything we missed."

"Ok good, we'll call you with what we find out." The team split up.


End file.
